Growing up, I was that wimpy kid who never had the courage to talk to girls and in a world of testosterone, lies of ‘knacking’ girls and foul armpit odour — wimpy means I was also short which basically translates to my face ending where all the other boys armpits shoulders began—this left me with a severe case of Catch Up Syndrome.
So, the moment I got me my own pair of outstretched legs, a gruff voice, misplaced hair growth and the ability to scratch ones groin whilst thinking no one can see you but being terribly wrong, I sought out my own girlfriend and what I got was a Calabar girl – this is the story of my experience with one and why it didn’t quite work out for me.
– First reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl? They’re mostly short! If you’ve had any experience with short people you’ll attest to this: they are always angry! It comes from that feeling of always being pushed around and the over compensating nature to stopping this. Now, before you call this an unfair generalisation, remember, I used to be short so I have first-hand knowledge of this inherent rage also my ex-girlfriend is Calabar, so I know what it is I speak of.
– The diatribe hasn’t ended, and if you’re someone who’s suffered as much as I, you’d continue too: Afang soup! Most people will tell you a reason why you SHOULD date a Calabar girl is for this wonderful vegetable soup but I’ll tell you this story – Once, my ex made me this “wonder” soup before an important meeting and I spent the entirety of the meeting dropping green fart bombs. If it weren’t for the sheer stroke of luck that the clients were Pakistani and rather than take offence, saw it as a competition and fired me back with their garlic bread bombs, I’d have lost out on the project.
– People never take this into account but it’s an extremely vital point: baby names! Dating will lead to sex—will get to that in a bit—and sex, if done wrong, almost always leads to kids and when that happens, you’re left to deal with the unfortunate task of having to name the kid. Have you heard Calabar names? Imagine bringing a kid into this malevolent world then punishing the kid by giving it a Calabar name? Wickedness! Why should a child have ‘bong’ in its name? Just why?
– If you date a Calabar girl, just be ready to join Club 404 and also be prepared to be snarled, chased and hated by every dog you come across. Which I can tell you now is a very bad thing. They don’t call them, Man’s Best Friend for nothing. How does anyone get to the point of eating their best friend? That’s what Calabar girls do to you, which is one of my strongest arguments as to why you shouldn’t date one.
– Sex! Yes, sex! Sex is a major reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl. Ask anyone about a Calabar girl, the first thing they’ll tell you is: ‘Dem sabi do the thing well’. Look, too much of anything is never good for you. You take 2 tablets of Paracetamol if you have a headache and it cures your ache but go take 20 and you’ll never have to worry about headaches again… you’ll be dead. Which is what sex is to Calabar girl: 50 Paracetamol tablets all coming inside you at one. That’s a terrible attempt at a pun but that’s what Calabar girls do to you.
– I don’t know how else to say this, Calabar girls are strong! I once tried arguing with my ex and the experience left me scarred, literally! Now, because of said scar I can’t wear short-sleeved shirts. At a pool party – I’m that guy wearing a long sleeve. At the gym – I’m the guy wearing long sleeves Having sex? You guessed it… I’m the one wearing long sleeves. I repeat – don’t date Calabar girls!
– You know another reason why you shouldn’t date a Calabar girl? They’re stubborn. I’ll explain it to you so. I’ve been telling my ex-girlfriend, Enobong that she and I are over, I mean after a certain ‘brushing’ she gave me, I said to myself, this relationship is unhealthy and I needed out, but nope, she ain’t taking no for an answer. In fact, she’s knocking at my door as I write this piece. Somebody please save me from this Calabar girl!
– Calabar girls are free to defend themselves in the comments section.
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Faisal Adamu is a strategist, free thinker, constantly in a state of perturbedness, aspiring satirist and he’s profoundly ignorant. he tweets from @notfaizzy